


nineteen (in search for the meaning of life)

by rubyblue



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: M/M, not betad so expect grammar or spelling mistakes, okay but what else do i tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-23
Updated: 2019-01-23
Packaged: 2019-10-15 03:11:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17520917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rubyblue/pseuds/rubyblue
Summary: renjun finds a purpose in the midst of his struggle to find the meaning of life.





	nineteen (in search for the meaning of life)

**Author's Note:**

> as i was writing this, i realised that the story line might not make any sense and i didnt want to go through it again bcs im lazy hahaha nevertheless, i hope you guys enjoy this

the search for the meaning of life hasnt been the easiest journey for renjun. nineteen years since he existed on this planet and he has yet to know what he wants to do with his life. he dreams of becoming a singer, to stand on stages worldwide, to have global fans. 

the only problem is, renjun isnt sure if this is meant for him. sure he's got a decent voice, he's got decent moves and a decent personality but every single day its the same thought that distracts him, "what if this isnt my calling?"

nineteen years (of being alive). renjun discovers that he's got talent for drawing. at some point he considers being an artist, "maybe i could become a comic artist," he'd say. nineteen years, renjun discovers that he loves tea. at some point, he considers being a tearista, "maybe i'll enjoy serving everyone's cup of tea," he'd say. nineteen years, renjun discovers that he's taking up subjects in pre-university that probably wont lead him anywhere, unless he wants to end up as a historian or a linguist. at some point, he considers them, "maybe i'll enjoy digging up the past or breaking down the language to tiny bits," he'd say.

nineteen years, renjun realises that he's the only one among his friends who has yet to decide a future. jeno had always wanted to become an architect, donghyuck wants to care for all animals so he took up zoology and jaemin wants to master communication. 

life is not a race, but for some reasons, renjun feels like he's in a race and he's losing. nineteen years and renjun is struggling to find a purpose. his purpose to exist. 

in search for the meaning of life, renjun gets lost. he doesnt know who he is, he doesnt know why he exists, he doesnt know how to cope with the feeling of hopelessness. its days like these that he breaks down. the night is especially quiet, only the sound of the rain pouring outside can be heard and renjun cries. he sits on the chair by the desk and stares at his reflection on the monitor of his laptop. he cries because it hurts. he cries because he wants to give up. "i'm nothing," he sobs to himself. he cries because he wants to give it all up but he cant. he promised. 

"promise me, you'll not give up on yourself. promise me, you wont beat yourself up for anything that goes wrong. promise me you'll keep fighting" jaemin had said one day, holding out his pinky finger to renjun. 

"i promise," renjun responded, pinky promising jaemin. 

in search for the meaning of life, renjun finds na jaemin. the annoying seatmate that follows him everywhere in school because, in jaemin's words, "you look like you could use a friend," renjun would just roll his eyes at him. but as annoying na jaemin is, he's also a kind-hearted soul. he cares a little too much for renjun's liking and he's even told jaemin that he should "look out for himself, instead of everyone else," to which the younger hurled back with, "huang renjun, you're the only person i look out for this much, because you look like you really need it," and from that moment on, renjun gave up, allowing jaemin to take care of him. truth be told, he doesnt mind the affection, because maybe jaemin's right, he really needs it. renjun's so used to being independent that he forgets what it was like being taken care of. he likes it, but only if its na jaemin. 

nineteen years, renjun realises that he's in love with jaemin. he has yet to admit that openly but to save himself the energy, he accepts the fact. its uncomfortable but why deny the truth? at some point, he considers telling jaemin, "maybe he likes me too, then it'll explain all the unnecessary lip-gazing thing," he'd say. it'll take time but renjun vows to pluck out some courage to tell him soon. 

in search for the meaning of life, renjun finds a purpose. he's found a purpose to keep fighting. a purpose to look forward to everyday. in search for the meaning of life, renjun finds a love that will stay. a love so strong that it motivates him to be better. a love so strong that for the first time, it makes him scared of giving up. 

renjun knows he's still far from finding the true meaning of life, but he finally decides to be okay with that. "you dont always have to know everything," mark tells him. 

nineteen years (of being single), jaemin admits that he's loved renjun longer than renjun has loved him. at some point, renjun wants to ask, "why me?" but he decides against it. nineteen years, renjun comes to a conclusion that everything will be alright, as long as na jaemin, his purpose, stays by his side.

**Author's Note:**

> i came up with plenty of au fic ideas over the past two weeks but im struggling to pUT THEM IN WORDS smh 
> 
> not the greatest but im satisfied enough to publish this lmao guess how many times i typed out a whole fic only to move it to the recycle bin
> 
> anyway, thanks for reading! dont hesitate to share your thoughts with me :)
> 
> uwu i love renmin so much it hurts
> 
> eri if you're reading this, just wanted to say hi


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